By: Derek Spencer
Brand & Marketing Guide for Carbon Jacket
- Acceptable words to describe upcoming shows: “sweet, tight, packed, DIY, exciting, new, rad, sold-out, amped, raw, uncensored, unsafe for adults, maxxxed out, tunes.”
- Unacceptable words to describe upcoming shows: “shitty, uninteresting, garage, stupid, for babies, mangled, terrible, unsightly, educational, 10 hours long.”
- Post one Facebook anecdote per month about what happens when band practice gets a little to crazy. Don’t forget the “lol.”
- Retweet tweets from: Imagine Dragons (ironically), Less Than Jake (unironically), Kim Kierkegaardashian, Rand Paul, Fender, Zen Quotes Daily, and Southwest Airlines
- Sample facebook post: “Rock’n’Roll is alive and well! 1 share=1 rockin tune.”
- Paint the lyrics from your sweet track “Wonderful Day To Fly” on your bodies, go skydiving, take Polaroid pictures, tape them onto the windows of public transit buses, write a clever hashtag like #CarbonFly2015 on the back of the photos.
- Buy an expensive grand piano, create a video of drummer Thomas Cruz mercilessly smashing the piano with a variety of hammers while shouting things like “The old tunes are dying” and “Carbon Jacket is the best and will usher in a new epoch of tunes.”
- Take out ads on popular porn websites, advertising for “Ravenous 50+ sex meetup near you!”. List the time and address of your next show.
- Get your video camera and go around the suburbs messing up/putting gum in people’s hair. Promise to fix their hair if they say “Carbon Jacket’s got the tunes!” while looking directly into the camera without laughing. Discard this footage directly after.
Fashion & Public Demeanor
- Antonio Aguas- Dress like your bowling team kicked you out for putting silly puddy in the other teams fingerholes. On stage, twiddle your thumbs and spit repeatedly during instrumental sections.
- Thomas Cruz- Chains everywhere. Chew gum aggressively during interviews. Threaten to skullbash anyone who talks shit about Antonio cause “we’ve been through some shit.”
- Julian Jansson- Your thing is that you are a sailormoon cosplayer who got kidnapped by the band and forced to play guitar. In between songs, say things like “I don’t want to be here!” or “I really don’t want to be in this band, but I can’t escape all the tunes!”
- Luke Montalvo- Call yourself “The Count” and insist that you are the only member of the band who has “peered through the keyhole at the gates of perception”. Release solo project cassette tapes and chuck them at your bandmates when they mess up on stage.
Final Verdict: The bottom of the barrel, crowned victor over a garage stuffed with corpses. Rock is dead/long live rock. Age is a construct and your new god too.
Pitchfork Verdict: 4.2