SPEED REVIEW: DRUNKEN LIGHTNING ROUND

By: Derek Spencer

If you send me a one-track submission, you’re going to get a short review.  Why not write them all at once?

EpicLight5 by S O A R
If this wasn’t sampled directly from the Mass Effect 3 soundtrack, then you should get a job writing music for the Mass Effect 4 soundtrack.  Honestly, this is really beautiful except for the unexpected/jarring loudness shifts that come from not properly mastering your music.

Holy by OceanSpice
T
his has got to be one of the silliest trap tracks I’ve ever heard.  I can kind of get into the monk choir thing going on, but when you bring in the massive/operator/whatever-vst-you’re-using preset synth leads over the top of it you remind me of all of the bedroom producers I knew in college who thought that putting sounds together that don’t belong together is called “experimental music” (or better yet, “inventing a genre”).  For what it’s worth, soundcloud thinks that if I like your music, I will also enjoy Jack U.

Grind by King KyOte
I fucks with this a bit.  “I’m. Goin. Motha. Fuckin. Ham.” You should have used that hook more. Second verse is weaker- I just doing think you can spit as fast as you think you can and it creates timing issues when you try to double-time it.   I would say that the world doesn’t need any more hip-hop about how ‘legendary’ said hip-hop artist is, but Drake, Earl, and Kendrick all just dropped huge albums with at least one track each focusing on that theme.  So fuck me- you do you.

Moonfasa by Instructions for Legs
Are you faking a british accent?  It says you’re from Montana.  “You’ll always be a planet to me”- you should make ironic greeting cards I bet Urban Outfitters will pick that up.  This is kind of funny, but it reminds me of another guy making similar music who is funnier than you. It’s actually killing me that I can’t remember his name.  Fuck.  I downloaded his music like 2 years ago from freemusicarchive.org and have since had my computer wiped.  If you know who I’m talking about let me know.  But seriously,  this is a weird project and I’m sure sure what you hope to get out of it.  Goodluck though.

Teach Me To Waltz (Changed Geet) by Samkohl.com (no link)
Pretty, if you tune out the lyrics.  And the recording fuzz. I’m a little sorry, because I know in your email you said that you wrote this song for someone who had someone who died, and I really don’t doubt that this song has a lot of emotion behind it and that it’s a cathartic piece to perform and/or sing to that person that couldn’t sleep because their family member died and everything, but that doesn’t mean that the listener (outside of that girl) is really being affected or moved, so let me just say that I don’t think the lyrics are resonating. Oh wait the recording fuzz is actually  a rain sound effect.  Please don’t do that, like 10 % of people who have submitted music to me have rain or water sound effects in their music and it’s starting to really rile my jimmies. I don’t even know what water is supposed to evoke all the time, but what it mostly says to me is that you didn’t know how to end a song, kind of like I don’t know how to end reviews.

Sky High by Beckie Menzie & Randy Raats
Reasons this is one of the funniest submissions I’ve gotten:
– I can’t listen to the full track unless I’m buying it, so you either expected me to buy your song just to review it, or to review it based off a 20 second sample
– You are advertising this track as a “40 year anniversary reboot”, but I have never heard of this song or artist (‘Jigsaw’, anyone?).  I assumed it was a cover, but you didn’t call it a cover, you called it a reboot.  So maybe by reboot you mean that you yourself recorded this song 40 years ago and now you’re rebooting it?  V confused plz clarify.
– Dude’s name is Randy Raats.  I don’t really want to know if that’s a real name or a stage name.
As for the 20 seconds of music I just listened to, it sounds like something a Christian youth group leader would force children to listen to.  (Why do christian/easy-listening artists insist on not mastering their material?)

Fortune Cookie by a time to cast away stones
You’re a good guitarist, but the music your writing sounds like it would be better if it used a chiptune pallet of sound.  Why are you sending people songs that you recorded 11 years ago?

The Baby Boomaz- Colin Griffin
The juxtaposition of owl noises, news/movie clip soundbites, and 808 drums make me think of someone watching tv in the woods, but also there’s a dj there pressing a button on his laptop to make the 808 sound.  In general, I would describe this music as “spooky”, “nice”, and “post-contemporary art pop”.

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2 thoughts on “SPEED REVIEW: DRUNKEN LIGHTNING ROUND

  1. Thank you for this man. I’m humbled by your opinion and I appreciate the feedback. I’m still working on this track and I’m gonna be dropping my mixtape on June 9th. I’d love to give you an advanced copy if you’d be willing to take the time with it, say mid-May. Your reviews are awesome. 😂😭

    Like

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